Why Life Feels Better Without the Word “Should”

How One Word Can Change the Way You Think

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I should have done this already,” or “I should be exercising more,” or something along those lines? Of course you have. We all have.

That one super common word — should — seems harmless enough, right? Until it sneaks into our thoughts and conversations like a quiet little thief, stealing away our peace and self-compassion. Oh, the drama.

On the flip side, how would someone else feel if you said, “You should have known I needed help,” or “You should really try to relax.” When you use the word should when speaking to other people, even a conversation with good intentions can end up feeling negative, and like an attack.

Let’s look at this secretively powerful word, how it can affect you, the people around you, and what words can be used in their place.

Quit “Should-ing” All Over the Place

Let’s start with the definition. According to the good ‘ole Cambridge Dictionary, the word should, in its simplest form, is a verb that indicates what is the correct or the best thing to do. And even a little harsher, Oxford Languages defines should as a verb used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions (or your own).

Simplified, the word should indicates “rightness,” which also suggests whatever it is you’re thinking about or talking about, is incorrect or not right. This, essentially, becomes a criticism, either of yourself or someone else.

“Should-ing” On Yourself

The word should is loaded. Every time we say it, we’re subtly telling ourselves that what we did do wasn’t good enough, or that who we are isn’t measuring up. I should exercise more. I should be more patient. I should have it all together by now. Says who? Who are we comparing ourselves to here??

When we use should, we create an invisible standard — one we can almost never meet. It’s like setting a bar higher every time we get close to reaching it. Should keeps us chasing some imaginary version of ourselves that’s always better, skinnier, more disciplined, or happier.

Over time, that chase turns into a loop of self-criticism:

• “I should be more productive.” → Rather than motivating you, this insinuates that you’re lazy. It will make you feel ashamed, rather than energized.
• “I should be happier.” → This invalidates your current emotions and adds shame to whatever you’re already feeling.
• “I should have known better.” → Unless you have knowledge of the future, “this is “knowing better” is impossible and keeps you stuck in regret.

Should is the inner critic’s favorite word. It tricks you into believing you’ve failed before you’ve even started. Instead of noticing progress or anything positive, your brain starts scanning for what’s missing, what’s wrong, or what’s not enough.

The truth is, should doesn’t help you succeed — it shames. It tells you that you’re behind, when really, you’re just human. So STOP should-ing all over yourself and practice some kindness!

“Should-ing” On Other People

When we use should with other people, it can sound like we’re trying to help, and that’s probably what we think we’re doing. Unfortunately, it usually comes across as pressure or judgment. Even when it’s well-intentioned, should tells the other person that how they’re feeling or handling things isn’t good enough. It implies that they need to do something different or better in order to achieve their goal.

Think about it:

• “You should calm down.” → What this really says is, “You’re too emotional,” which can make someone feel ashamed for having feelings at all.
• “You should move on already.” → While this may be meant as encouragement, it dismisses how deeply they’re hurting. It suggests they’re taking too long to heal, as if there’s a magic date that has already passed.
• “You should be grateful.” → This one is tricky because it attempts to point out the positives and ends up invalidating their struggle. It insinuates that they don’t have a right to feel disappointed, sad, or frustrated.

Even though these shoulds might come from a place of wanting to help, they usually shut the other person down instead. They turn a moment of potential connection into one of correction.

When people feel judged or told what they should feel, they stop sharing what they do feel — and that’s when disconnection enters the chat. Even small shoulds can pile up over time. They make someone feel misunderstood or pressured to meet invisible expectations. When we’re on the receiving end, those shoulds can trigger defensiveness and eventual shame.

What About Could Instead?

When I replace that judgey, problematic word should, with the more upbeat, potential-filled word, could, let’s see what happens. I could exercise more. I could be more patient. I could be more productive. The word could offers possibilities and suggestions. It screams positivity. What a difference one letter can make!

Let’s look closely at the difference between should and could:

SHOULD	COULD
focuses on what’s wrong or missing	focuses on options and potential
carries guilt and shame	encourages curiosity and flexibility
comes from external expectations	comes from internal motivation
speaks of obligation and judgment	speaks of choice and empowerment

If you’re having trouble understanding how one simple word can change the meaning of a statment, look at these examples:

See how the simple re-wording of the same message feels so different?

Now For the Hard Part…

All of that being said, it would be completely impossible and unrealistic to expect anyone to never use the word should again. That is not even what I’m suggesting. There are certain instances when it’s the only word that makes sense in order to get your point across.

So try this: rather than putting it in your head that the word should is bad and can no longer be used, notice how often you use it. Ask your family or co-workers to point out when they hear you say the word should. Make a game of it with your kids. Pay attention to your own self-talk and see how often you should all over yourself. It’s probably more frequent than you think.

When you notice it, or someone points it out to you, rephrase your thought or statement using could, want, or choose instead. See how that hits you. Even if you’re able to catch yourself a handful of times throughout the day, it counts for something. And the more in tune you become with it, the easier it starts to get.

Use our downloadable and printable worksheet, The Pesky Word Should, to continue practicing being less judgmental towards yourself.